Relapse

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Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things do not work out. Sometimes it’s something small, like not getting through that light coming up. Sometimes it’s something big, like breaking up with a long-time partner. Sometimes, despite taking medicine and going to therapy religiously, our mental health continues to deteriorate.

In the past week, symptoms have slowly begun creeping back into my life. The auditory hallucinations are worsening, and I’m now starting to see things as well. My cognitive symptoms are also returning, and I’m having small bouts of catatonia. So far, it is not as bad as my initial breakdown, but I fear it may become worse as time goes on.

My fear stems from two corners. In one corner, I am terrified of becoming sick again, and, more specifically, staying sick. In the other corner, I’m scared of going to the hospital. So great is my fear that I am planning to  suicide if it gets to that point.

I don’t want to write about this, and I’m sure most of you don’t want to read it, but this is my week to write an article and dammit I’m going to write one. I’d like to write about something nice, something to educate you or make you feel better about yourself, but I can’t do that this week. This is the only thing I can think about, and hence, it’s what this article must be about.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. After much deliberation, I have decided to tell her about my plans to kill myself. I’m not sure what’s going to happen after that, but I have a strong suspicion. That suspicion is the reason I am posting this on today rather than the usual Friday, before I go to my therapy appointment. If I don’t post my article week after next, you’ll know where I am.

I know I’m not the only one in this boat. I know there are more of you out there who are terrified of reaching out for help, or deathly afraid of the hospital like I am. I wish I could give you some uplifting pep talk, but I know from experience that there are no magical words that make everything better.

All I can tell you is that right now you are pulling a heavy wagon up a steep hill. The only way to get to the top is to get help pulling. Getting  down  that mountain won’t be a cakewalk either, with rocks and pitfalls along the way, but as long as someone’s next to you pulling, you have a chance.

I want to sincerely thank all of you who have, and continue, to read my articles. It really means a lot to me that you find it worth your time. I hope to write many more for you in the future. Thank you.

 

24 thoughts on “Relapse”

  1. Thank you – I love that you’ve taken the time to write this out. And that you’ve typed the words that many of us are afraid of saying, because you’re right, reaching out for help in real life is so, so hard. Be safe, I’ll be here reading on in the meantime. Looking forward to more articles in the future!

  2. I hope you have someone with you tonight. If not, please call a family member or a friend. We’re six years into this and know it is less challenging to recover from relapses with treatment under your wing…yes, it is still challenging but nothing like the initial onset. It gets better. I promise.
    National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
    Please know how much love and light and support I am sending your way. I am so glad to hear that you will be talking to your therapist tomorrow. Hang on…hold on…I will be waiting to hear from you again.

      1. I’m so glad you talked to her about it. You set such a great example as you manage your illness. I hope I didn’t overreact. From my experience with my daughter, I know how quickly that desperate darkness can take over…and I was concerned…and, again, I hope I didn’t overreact to your post. Just know it came out of a great concern for you as I think very highly of you.

        1. That means a lot, thank you, and you didn’t overreact at all. An old professor of mine once said that as long as you tell the truth everything will turn out just fine, even if it’s hard to do that sometimes. I’ve always tried to live by that rule, which, in the end, is why I had to tell my therapist.

          1. This is a great rule to live by. I’m very glad that you are able to speak honestly and openly with your therapist. It will help immensely in the long run.

  3. You need medication not just therapy. I had a psychosis last year and the therapy did not help me, only the medication that changed my paranoia, it was a miracle drug for me.
    Please take care of yourself and start exercising, it will help you in the long run.

      1. Then please read a book on CBT. It changed my life for the better. As a start, please look at my post “When your mind is playing tricks on you – and CBT, the challenger”.

  4. I wish I could hold you, and give you a tight – not-creepy – but still tight hug. Just from the way you’re able to process and write down your emotions and thoughts I can tell you’re so smart, and interesting, and I’d just love to hold you and start like a … I was gonna say drinking buddies kind of friendship, but maybe more like a book club? Or we could become cinema buddies 😀 haha No but really. Beautifully written. And I hope you’ve the support and help you need <3

    1. That’s probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, thank you. Luckily I do have a very strong support network, I doubt I’d be writing to you here today if I didn’t. Im feeling a lot better about the hospital (I even picked out the one I’d want to go to!) but unfortunately my symptoms are still recurring. We’ll see what happens.

      I can’t drink on my meds (and trust me I wish I could) but I do love movies!

      1. You get to pick your own hospital? Damn 😀 That’s wicked. You should make criteria sheets: hottest nurses, quality of food, shade of white the walls have and obviously the quality in range of products offered in the various snack machines. I’d Like that post! haha

        Shit, no drinking is tough. But it’s also not the worst, hangovers can be tougher 😉 I love reading to! What’s your favorite style of book?

          1. I’m loving it! I thought it’d be a much more different place from what I know in the western culture. But to be honest it’s a lot more “normal” than what I expected. In a good way though! And it’s got loads of great heritage and parks etc.

            But yeah, if you have the time, Memoirs of a Geisha. Great read :]

            Dyou like to travel? :]

          2. That’s awesome! Drove through the US last summer with my bf actually 😀 We drove from Vancouver, Canada, all the way to NYC. Hell of a journey xD Anywho: am moving to Australia next month so hit me up if you get down under and we’ll go discover New Zealand together 😀 Have also always wanted to go there ^^

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